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| i.hate.fall. bad memories, bad instincts. but getting over them is what these last few months have been about, isn't it? i miss my modmates. i'm excited by all the progress that i've made and how much better life is getting and how wonderful it's going to be in january. it's only been three months, and already a bad day now is much better than a bad day before. and a good day is ecstatic and really makes me feel sometimes that life is worth living and my ambitions are worth working for. today was a bad day, but i talked myself through it. it wasn't the disaster that it could've been. i've learned to talk myself into backing away from that ledge overlooking a whole new cycle of relapses and steep, downward slides. i can move on. | | |
| rawr. i need to call my cari-buggggggg.
so thursday was really rough, i came home and erica was cooking for div and set the fire alarm off, and we were playing HORSE except the word of the day was FAGGOT (we aim to de-sensitize for everybody's good). then rumi and i walked to the farm and petted baby goats. i watched dirty pretty things, it's got stolen organs, audrey tatou, and sympathy for the welfare of immigrants in london, so it was a good movie, and everybody in the cultural center was bawling at the end, except for tiya, because she was really stoned because it was 4/20, and because we're at hampshire. i also lost div's prospie. kale came home to me and an otherwise empty mod and we smoked and then everybody came home. and the next morning, she committed herself, so my room is empty, anderson is incredibly cruel, and i hope she gets better soon, she really deserves this break. i didn't do anything on friday, a kid came over and we made dinner, and then we went to somebody's div III which involved a lot of dancing and great techno and house music. this morning and aasma's working and kale's at the hospital and drew's in vermont and lauren's in new york and everybody else except andi is at the trans-feminisms conference at SUNY New Paltz and it was depressing. aasma's adrian now. i really like that, because aasma is a distinctly feminine name and i had trouble call him that. everybody came home toward the evening and ansel came over and we all hung out in adrian's room. then ansel, drew, and i spent two hours surfing wikipedia, it was amazing. then drew went to bed and ansel and i stayed up until now to watch this terrible horror movie from the seventies called death bed the bed that eats. it was hilarious. now ansel is sleeping in my bed, and i am here with a glass of stale beer in my hand that i snatched from the drunk guys next door when i went over to tell them to shut up its 5 AM. | | |
| so i had kind of a rough day at classes today and i walk out of my last class for the day to find an absolutely gorgeous afternoon . . . and into enfield to find half of my mod topless because it's hot. yesss, hampshire. i hung out in the hammock for awhile and talked to sirisha and mommy, and then sat on the porch doing my reading for my lit class on thursday. there's a willow blooming bright pink, it's breathtaking against the saturated blue sky. i can't get over how much nicer a lot of things look here.
so i sat on the porch and mikey walked by, and he got a haircut so i didn't recognize him at first. and i said, you got a haircut; all this time i guess i didn't recognize you, i didn't know where you went. he lives in the mod next door and was walking over to the basketball court. i said what are you up to, and he said c'mon shoot baskets with me. and we had a great conversation for an hour shooting baskets, like on TV when people need something to do while they're having a dialogue, like rumi and i when we talk about sex. he told me everything, it's wonderful how easy it was to talk to him. i wish more people were like that, i'm sure more people are like that here. and the weather's amazing, it's not always like that. so we talked for an hour and then i said it's too bad we don't see you or the rest of your mod that often. after all, we live next door. you should come over more often. and he said, okay. but you should come more often, too.
my sustainable agriculture class yesterday was amazing. i'm so nervous about my internship interview tomorrow; it would be perfect if i got it.
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| what a weekend. and i didn't do anything . . .
i skipped drag ball, and even easter keg hunt (the closest hampshire gets to the frat scene . . . basically, older students buy and hide kegs in the woods and in the morning everybody goes and has beer for breakfast and goes around all day easter sunday completely smashed . . . )
and i don't feel like i accomplished anything.
rawr. | | |
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